Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason | Alfie Kohn | Be prepared!

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Unconditional Pare...

	Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason Alfie Kohn Atria, 2006 - 272 pages average customer review:based on 63 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

"Most parenting guides begin with the question ""How can we get kids to do what they're told?""--and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking ""What do kids need--and how can we meet those needs?"" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them. One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including ""time-outs""), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send. More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from ""doing to"" to ""working with"" parenting--including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents. "

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Could change our lives

I found this book to be really thought provoking. It took me a while to read because it really brought up a lot of issues from my own childhood and helped me to examine them in light of how I raise my kids.

I think that following the advice of this book is more difficult than using to time outs and rewards. However, in the long run I believe in the idea of working with your children with the focus on teaching them rather then coercing them to do as they are told. For instance I have been afraid for a long time that by constantly insisting that my 3 year old do what I say - even though my intent is good - that her spark and tenacity would eventually be quieted. I honestly didn't know what to do about this though. At what cost would I have obedience in my home? Are manners always the most important thing? When we go to playgroup though everyone expects you to use time outs and discipline.... it is not an easy choice to make.

The whole issue about school and grades is very interesting too. When my child gets older do I want her to be focused solely on grades? That's how I was and I hated school after a while. My family labeled me the B+ student and implied that I didn't do my best all the time. I know a lot of people who got worse grades than I did who are successful...

I think this book contains a lot of food for thought and we will try our best to incorporate it into our lives. In the few weeks that we have been doing so, my 3 year old who is quite moody has been a little less so. I have also been surprised by her answers sometimes when I ask her why she is acting a certain way and try to talk it out with her. It can be frustrating and time consuming, but actually seems more effective than the time outs she would have had before.

In all, this book has the potential to change our lives and to make the long-term mother-daughter relationship a lot stronger and how I wish it would be instead of what my fears have been about what it could become.

A lot to take in but worth it.

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Be prepared!

This book is an eye opener. Be prepared to really look into your own parenting skills and be open to a new way. The ideas presented in this book cut to the core of everything I believed was good about my parenting, but I'm now re-learning a better way. It's a profound change.

An eye opener!

In stead of. 'No, don't do that!' I think, 'Why not?'
My daughter and my husband an I have a lot more fun together now!
I wish I could send this book to every parent.

Stimulates Self-Examination, Lacks in Practical Guidance

I like Kohn's challenge to critically examine our parenting practices, keeping in mind our ultimate goals for our children. He makes strong points emphasizing the importance of considering the consequences of our parenting choices, whether they are ostensibly positive, such as praise, or intentionally negative, such as punishment. However, I found myself anxious to get through all the theory to the practical application. My anticipation was never quite quenched by the implementation ideas offered. I found most of them to be lacking in substance and fraught with caveats. I felt that Kohn was often shrugging his shoulders, implying that this is the way things need to be done, even if compliance never happens and the parents' needs are not met. I have taken Kohn's basic premise--that children have a fundamental right to unconditional love--and tried to extend it beyond words to more carefully considered action. I am using more descriptive, rather than evaluative, language when commenting on my three-year-old son's activities, and I have moved away from contingency management discipline, which had lost both its effectiveness and its peacefulness. Still, there are times when compliance is necessary, and I believe that I have rights and needs in the parent-child relationship, too. I frequently find it necessary to impose potential consequences, which Kohn would characterize as threats. When my son resists my requests to stop throwing balls at me while I am working on the computer because it disturbs me, I ultimately resort to saying, "If you want to stay in here with me, you must stop throwing that ball now. Otherwise, you will lose the ball, and you will have to leave the room." I struggle with guilt about saying that after reading Kohn's strong admonitions against threats, consequences and love withdrawal, but the reality is that I am responsible for finding a way to make living with my son tolerable, even enjoyable, for both of us. I am keeping my long-term goals for him in mind, but I am functioning in the present, and I believe that I have a right to live without walking on eggshells to protect my son's fragile psyche at all costs.

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