The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World | Alan Downs | Alan Downs did us all a favor

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The Velvet Rage: O...

	The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World Alan Downs Da Capo Press, 2006 - 224 pages average customer review:based on 38 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

The gay male world today is characterized by seductive beauty, artful creativity, flamboyant sexuality, and, encouragingly, unprecedented acceptability in society. Yet despite the progress of the recent past, gay men still find themselves asking, "Are we really better off?" The inevitable byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, a shame gay men may strive to obscure with a faade of beauty, creativity, or material success. Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author's own journey to be free of anger and of shame, as well as the stories of many of his friends and clients, The Velvet Rage outlines the three distinct stages to emotional well-being for gay men. Offering profoundly beneficial strategies to stop the insidious cycle of avoidance and self-defeating behavior, The Velvet Rage is an empowering book that will influence the public discourse on gay culture, and positively change the lives of gay men who read it.

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Generalizing Differences

Downs, Alan. "The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World", Da Capo Press, 2006.

Generalizing Differences

Amos Lassen

Alan Downs has written a book for everyone--not just gay people. He leads us on a journey involving cultural values and human flaws as well as perfection so that we can find authentic human hope. I know this sounds like a mouthful but in reading "The Velvet Rage", it all fits together.
Downs maintains that that the kind of behavior that we as gay people see as what is called normal (I hate that word) is a way of reacting to and dealing with the feeling that has been forced upon us by others--that of being second class citizens. Some of the issues that gays have had to deal with include body image, ideas of perfection, being judgmental, the use of gossip, secretiveness and quick to blame and to shift the blame. Downs explains where these feelings come from and how they can be changed. We get a composite picture of what an emotionally healthy gay person is like and we get a map that teaches us how to reach that point.
"The Velvet Rage" deals with subjects in a way that many of us have never seen before and issues that are unique to gay men are looked at in detail. I found aspects of my own personality in the book and explanations to why I behave a certain way.
The thesis is, in my opinion, is the subtitle of the book, "overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight man's world". We bear the shame of feeling different and we feel excluded, even in today's liberated society. When I compare that to even ten years ago, we can see that we have come a very long way but some of those feelings will always be present. We usually spend a great deal of time striving to reach a stage of authenticity that many of us never reach.
The book also speaks directly to the effects that homophobia has on our psychological development. The fact that present culture has validated self-hatred, over-compensation and high and dangerous behavior in the gay community has resulted in these feelings.
As Downs takes on issues like toxic shame in the psyche of gay men, he shows that the "derailment" of self comes from our being invalidated in early years and what results is the murder of the very being--the soul. It is too soon for me to tell what the effect of reading this book will be but I do feel sure that I will be able to hold my head a bit higher. I have never denied my sexual identity but I am sure that I, like so many others have never felt completely at home. Neither am I in the closet. I am on a university faculty where I am "way" out but there are still those moments of discomfort as all of us have.

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Alan Downs did us all a favor

I was drawn to the book in the first chapter, and could not put it down. For the most part I recieved confirmation of my own point of view, as I started feeling like an outsider at age 40. Gay men over forty seem to have abondoned the arts for the disco, and still want to date 20 year olds and party cycle continues. Alan downs, put in to words a simle evaluation of where we are today and where we could be if we grow up. Thanks.

Understanding Internalized Homophobia

This book is an excellent exploration of internalized homophobia, and specifically targets white gay men. There are a number of consequences that come with being gay- not only external threats like the threat of violence, the reaction of one's family, being out in the world, and other considerations, but the way we perceive ourselves and our own sexuality. There are a number of harmful patterns that get played out in queer communities, but we often don't discuss them as being directly linked to oppression. We often view them as our own failures/inadequacies. This book is an excellent method of explaining and pointing out common patterns and experiences of white gay men. If you are a gay man of color, this book is still useful, though written from a culturally white point of view. I am a queer woman of color, and still found it to be helpful and informative.

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