The book's focus is drawn from observations of people speaking with their family, friends, and lovers. From this work, the authors have skillfully located the mechanisms that can be used to improve connection and communication, and provide much practical coaching on what the reader should work on. Anyone who follows the advice in this book will live a life filled with much richer human connections. Think of reading this book as like having an emotional intelligence coach.
The book begins by looking at the fundamental ways that connection is pursued. People say and do things to get attention and make their needs known, which the authors call bids. "People make bids because of their natural desire to feel connected with other people." How you respond determines how well the connection develops. You can use words (like questions, statements, or comments) or actions (touching, expressions, gestures, and sounds). As step one, you are encouraged to look at your own bids for connection. You want to avoid being "fuzzy" about your purposes. This can come from being ambiguous, being a poor communicator, being negative, or not acting like it is important. When you respond to bids, use a positive stance, pay attention, interact in a high energy way, and be playful. Avoid reacting mindlessly. You are especially warned against harmful ways to respond (not being mindful of your reactions, starting on a sour note, employing harmful criticism, being overcome with emotion, having a crabby way of thinking, and avoiding conversations you need to have).
The book also explores the style you use to think about communication. You will be able to see which of 7 types you most closely fit with (commander-in-chief, explorer, sensualist, energy czar, jester, sentry, and nest-builder). You will also find how to tell if you are over or under doing it, and how to adjust. You next look at the emotional heritage of how you learned to respond to others in your family. Again, there are tools to help you change where that would be helpful.
Another section looks at reading others' emotions, naming your own feelings, using richer metaphors, and ways of active listening.
Next, you are encouraged to find places where you can share meaningful, positive connections with others . . . even if you have differences in other areas.
After you have this overview, chapter eight looks at how to apply all of these perspectives to marriage, parenthood, friendship, siblings, and co-workers.
The book's strength is that it uses examples that you can identify with. Then, rather than leaving you hanging with what not to do, the book goes on to provide alternative ways to handle the same situation. There are too many to memorize easily, but you will soon get the hang of how to compose a reaction that will be better received. In fact, you probably run into fruitless conservations with certain people so often that it would help to draft out some possible alternatives in advance. I also found the self-diagnosis exercises to be helpful. I think you will, too.
After you have finished reading this book, you must practice applying it. I suggest that you start with someone who is fairly easy to communicate with already. Later, you can go on to work with those who you have more problems with, as you develop your skill.
This book will be especially valuable to men who want to communicate in more effective ways with women. Realizing that women put out more bids for connection in many situation, this book will help men realize better ways to respond. I was impressed with how well the advice worked in my family as I followed it during the days following my initial reading of the book. Of all the things I have tried out that I have read in books, these suggestions worked our far better than most! And they made me feel a lot better and more relaxed in the process. That's a pretty nice advantage to gain from reading a book.
May you always be rich in your human connections as you desire!
With almost 3 decades of research of actual interactions, Gottman and teams' books are always filled with vivid and enlightening examples. The touching personal stories, elucidating questionnaires, exercises and long lists of "what to do" are all helpful and practical. They hold up multi-dimensioanl mirrors to explorations. Without having to do any formal meditation, you can grow in awareness and mindfulness.
Given the plethora of popularization, it might sound trite to relate this book to E.Q. (Emotional Intelligence). But it IS one of the best books for developing mindful emotional connections. That's why I need to qualify it with "authentic E.Q.". Please note in particular "Emotional Intelligence Versus Detachment and Denial" (pp. 158-160).
Please read the informative Book Description and the review by Mitchell (one of my "favorite people"). In Step One, breaking down communication to the basic unit of exchange, "bidding", and responding (turning toward, away or against), helps one to learn HOW to behave differently instead of remaining at lofty levels of unfruitful talk about love and consideration... (This reminds one of Eric Berne's "stroking" in Transactional Analysis, most popular in the 60s & '70s. "Stroking" however, connotes more manipulation.)
The authors have done a good service to make Jaak Panksepp's pioneering studies in Affective Neuroscience accessible to readers in Step Two: Discover Your Brain's Emotional Command Systems. (It would be interesting to see if there are any correlations with the Enneagram systems, which study nine-types of personality.)
Step Three: Examine Emotional Heritage, gives a good illustration of the value of the "emotion-coaching philosophy". The other books that I've mentioned give many more examples.
Step Four: Sharpen Your Emotional Communication Skills, gives interesting coverage to sharpen sensory acuity and listening skills (much stressed in NLP, Neuro-linguistic Programming). [I personally tend to differ from the author's sweeping dismissal of "the pseudoscience of physiognomy", p. 178. I still see some value of a more scientific approach in verifying the significance of permanent features and also fleeting changes in physiognomy. Cf. My several reviews of "face-reading".]
Step Five: Find Shared Meaning, brings us beyond behaviorism and studies truly human interactions and rituals.
Detailed applications of these 5 steps are given to different relationships: marital, parental, friendship, sibling, coworker. The book is ideal for personal and shared reflections, retreats, marriage encounters and workshops. I have already been actively promoting it and sincerely hope that it will reach the best-seller list. Gottman and team well-deserve the reputation and publicity they receive. Readers will not be disappointed. Relationships not needing cure will also be much enriched. [From a Christian viewpoint, it is in relationships that we can reflect the communion and unity in diversity of the Trinity, that we continue to become the image of God, and embody the presence of Christ today. Salvador Dali's Last Supper depicted a Risen Christ without any face. It is the quality of our relationships that will show forth the face of God.]
By and large, this book is an excellent example of science applied to real life. Everyone interested in improving his personal relationships should read this book!
I'd recommend looking at The Romantic's Guide for ideas on easy ways to keep being romantic.Abridged Audio Cassette is good The abridged audio cassette version is very good. I found the naration very clear and pleasant. I also found the content very useful. I found the abridged content still clear with ample examples. However, I have not read the book, so I can't contrast it the to the original. This is a good audio to share with others wishing to better understand and improve their relationships. I only wish this was available on CD!
