Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life--For the Better

Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life--For the Better | Jeanne Safer | Remembering and Loving Mom as she was

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Death Benefits: Ho...

	Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life--For the Better Jeanne Safer Basic Books, 2008 - 240 pages average customer review:based on 7 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

Although five percent of the population loses a mother or father...few of us are psychologically prepared for the experience in later life. Death Benefits explores the uncharted territory each of us enters when a parent leaves us, and offers a blueprint for positive change in every aspect of our lives. Death Benefits demonstrates through powerful stories (including the author?s own revelatory experience) how parent loss is the most potent catalyst for change in middle age and can actually offer us our last, best chance to become our truest, deepest selves. Safer challenges the conventional wisdom that fundamental change is only for the young; and that loss must simply be endured or overcome. Filled with moving and engaging stories of real men and women re-imagining themselves after a parent?s death, it is a fresh, impassioned, and sophisticated look at self-transformation in later life.

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Death Benefits

This was a great book for my needs having just lost my two parents in a short time. I am hopeful and
looking forward to the future.

Remembering and Loving Mom as she was

Dear Joy,
Here is an edited version of your letter that I'd be grateful for permission to include on my website. Please change anything you wish, and get back to me. I wish you the very best in your exploration.
Jeanne Safer

Like your mom, mine was a powerful and painful part of my life. I adored her and was terrified of her rejection and abandonment, and desperately needed her approval and love. I have to admit that even thinking about trying to process my feelings about her brings up fear of hurting her in the spirit world, which it totally nuts! But I am willing to excavate the mine of emotions in order to finally let her go--both for my benefit and hers. I did not know this until I read your book. It touches on issues that I was not even aware of because I dissociated them. I know my work as an artist will become much more powerful through this inner work. I am also planning to show the book to my therapist and use it in my therapy. A lot of women who have issues with their dead mothers will benefit. All this because of your taking the risk to write your story.

Meredith C, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

This is a letter that I wrote after reading Death Benefits. The book has openned my mind to a new way of viewing my relationship with my mother and has helped me to use the process to begin healing. I am so blessed to have found her book and heard her story.I also formed an online group in order to help others and welcome new members.

Joy C.Hellman
N.C.

Healing Through the Death of a Parent MSN

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Death is Tough; Surviving Sometimes Tougher

This is a wonderful book for any adult who's just lost parent(s).

Normally, books that purport to advise people in this situation are not much help (being full of stern warnings to hire psychotherapists and financial advisers), but this one really is different.

This one is about you. After all, you're still living.

It doesn't feel like it after you've planned a funeral (or two) and cleaned out a house from 1953, but you actually are still alive. And in this book, that's actually even OK. It's a true how-to on how to reassemble yourself, only stronger, after some big losses.

If other books on this topic have made your feel like your parents' somewhat slipshod and inept paralegal with a really mean boss, give this one a try instead. You'll feel better--and make better decisions.

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Recommended for everyone

Usually I don't recommend books about life and family because I don't consider myself an expert. But family issues come up for almost all my clients. They put off career change and even take a leave from their own businesses. And they're frozen with grief.

I loved this book. I can relate to it (my parents died quite a while ago). I have watched my friends and clients go through loss. Nearly all seem to have a mixture of relief and guilt at feeling this relief.

It's a little awkward to recommend this book to friends. "Here's a book that...um...helps you realize how much you're freed up when your parents die." But the book is so good it's worth the social risk.

Safer writes well and she keeps the book focused, with a clear theme. She doesn't sugarcoat the message or urge people to look for kindness and goodness inept parents. Her exercises are few and simple. They're more like coaching than what I think of as therapy, but I suspect they're very powerful.

It's hard to pick out the highlights because (rare for me!) I really liked every chapter. I would call a reader's attention to the chapter on "the last taboo," noting that many people are embarrassed to admit their feelings about the loss. The chapter on religion is particularly sensitive to two diverse responses -- turning away from a parent's religion or returning to a faith that was once abandoned.

In the section on disposing of "stuff," we could note that you don't have to do this yourself. You can hire people who will go through furniture and clothing, sorting out what can be sold, what is valuable ad what should be given away. Look under "estate sales" or advertise for help on craigslist.

Safer is a psychologist, so she doesn't explore the broader implications o our new understanding of parent-child relationships. Our society is still set up to demand contributions -- financial and psychological -- from children, even when parents have been indifferent, incompetent, or even abusive. Company policies and legal systems support and even demand parent-child relationships. We need to recognize that families are not what they used to be, and probably they never were.

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thought-provoking

This book does have some startling things to say, in the direction of getting us to think in new ways about the impact of the death of one's parents. I think most people could benefit from reading it.

reviews: page 1, 2

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