My feeling is that part of the outcry against this book is the fact that it is written not only by a woman, but a well-known feminist woman. And the subject, the sense of betrayal felt by men in the United States, could very easily be interpreted as man-bashing. Is this just another woman shaking her finger at us and rubbing our noses in our mistakes? Saying that we are such idiots that, despite the fact that the world is dominated by and geared toward us, we still find life difficult? Is she saying we are just a bunch of losers? Maybe this book is really threatening because silence and denial of pain is often a mark of masculinity. Men suffer in silence. That's what we are taught. We don't seem to want to break the code of silence, and least of all do we want a woman to break it for us. The myth of masculinity holds that men are not supposed to feel any pain; if we feel pain then we are not "real men." In this book Susan Faludi argues that many of us are in a lot of pain, largely stemming from the breakdown of father/son relationships, and then she offers compassion for that pain. Is this a mother kissing our wounded knee to make it better, and embarrassing us in front of all the boys on our block? And reminding us that, contrary to our delusions, we are still just boys?
Actually, Susan Faludi isn't saying any of this. What she is saying is that times have changed and that - perhaps this is what is most painful of all for us to hear - this is not so much a "man's world" anymore. The model of masculinity many of us are working under, or are trying to work under, is now outdated. "One day son, you too could be President of this great land of ours" is not so readily believable anymore. Reality has set in, and it is a different reality from what our fathers had prepared us for - given, of course, that we had fathers at all.
I don't believe that it is a slap in the face of anyone who suffers to suggest that men suffer as well. Men do suffer, and part of our suffering stems from not knowing what is expected of us anymore. What role are we to fulfill? How are we useful anymore? Are we gentlemen for opening the door for her? Or are we chauvinists for even considering it? Are we losers for even having to ask? Maybe we are just people, people who, like everyone, often feel let down by the realities of living in this world. And, by the way, the fact that men suffer is not an excuse for the fact that men often make others suffer - and Faludi suggests no such thing in this work.
No, the sample of men she interviews is not entirely representative of the average man. And the fact that most of the men she talks to are from occupations that are now faltering will obviously lead to the same conclusion, a feeling of betrayal and disillusionment. But my opinion is that any book that suggests we take another look at the role of men, and the importance of the father/son relationship, and suggests that we may be human after all, is valuable. I am thankful that Susan Faludi wrote this book, and I even told her so when I met her at a book signing tour promoting this book.
"The great thing about being a man in this country," reads a satirical email I recently received, "is that you could be president - in this lifetime. The bad thing is that if you get your hand cut off at work, you may be called a 'sissy' if you cry." But let me ask you: how many of us are really going to sit behind that desk in the Oval Office? Last I checked, that job is pretty much prohibitive for the average man. The rest of us continue to get our hands cut off and yet are afraid to cry for fear of dispelling a myth that does not even apply anymore. We need a new myth, one that allows for men to admit to feeling pain. One that allows for men to express pain and still be recognized as men. In STIFFED: THE BETRAYAL OF THE AMERICAN MALE, Faludi suggests just that - the creation of a new myth or model.
Until that time, we can hold on to the myth of masculine invulnerability. We can hold on to the myth . . . the myth that is killing us.
The section on the My Lai massacre is almost unbearably poignant, looking not just at that incident but the whole macho/military lash-up that led to it, and it's bureaucratic aftermath.
The sections on the Long Beach shipyards and the Citadel military academy show two very different aspects of male bonding; in the former a mentor/apprentice tradition that not only built life-long relationships but record-breaking productivity, and in the latter a sado/masochistic smoke screen that covers a simple need for fraternal domesticity and human (non-sexual) contact.
Yes, the book does ramble on some, and some of the material is a lot more riveting than the rest. But it's all relevant, all well done, and all worth the read.
While Faludi never comes right out and says men have made a world that victimizes both men and women (of course not~ saying this directly would be career suicide), this seems to be the underlying theme of her books.
Her writings cause me wonder why men need to victimize anyone. Maybe men's thoughtless, selfish, bullying, often obsessive quests for power are finally catching up with them and they are now the victims of their own acts of victimization!
In which case, Susan FaludiÕs next book should be entitled ÒBackfire.Ó
ÒStiffedÓ is well written and somewhat thought-provoking. But for my money, it doesnÕt go far enough. It merely dances around the edges of a big, important, glaring question: If men are unhappy in the culture and society which they created and lead, why did they construct it as it is, and why do they continue to perpetuate it even as it victimizes not only women but their own gender as well?
(Another idea for the book title: "You Made Your Bed, Now Lie In It.")
I would like to see Susan Faludi ask that question. THAT would make for a truly original, exciting and earth-shattering book.
