Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew | Sherrie Eldridge

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew | Sherrie Eldridge | Great Guide

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Twenty Things Adop...

	Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew Sherrie Eldridge Delta, 1999 - 240 pages average customer review:based on 179 reviews view larger image
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What used to be "unspeakable" is now being addressed

It is easier to assume that adoptee issues can be ignored, or that these issues don't exist - that this author is merely indulging in "personal therapy", as one reviewer put it (though why she would need personal therapy like this, if these issues aren't real and compelling?).

A few decades ago it was believed that you could just stick a kid into a new family and that would be "it". Thousands of adoptees have challenged this idea, and many of them are obviously not motivated by a grudge against their adoptive parents. This is, in fact, part of the problem: that in our culture today, for an adoptee to speak honestly about identity issues specific to adoption is treated as an attack on the adoptive parents even when the adoptee makes a point of not blaming the adoptive parents.

An adoptive parent today should be aware that things are GOING to change, like it or not. When I grew up as an adopted child, any attempt to ask the questions my parents refused to answer, or complain about things that were considered unspeakable, would lead nowhere, because society seemed to be absolutely united - whether it was a neighbor or a friend or total stranger, I could expect a lecture on how grateful I ought to be and how lucky I was. Of course I talked to other adopted kids, but nobody seriously challenged the core idea that adopted kids are lucky to have any home at all.

That's not reality anymore. Many of the assumptions about adoption are being challenged, and the internet (and news media) are making this information readily available. Relying on the old "let's not talk about it" was always a lousy idea anyway.

As an adopted person, I've known a lot of adoptees, and I think the one thing we all had in common is that, whatever we might say to each other privately, not one of us wanted to say or do anything "ungrateful", that is, something that might "hurt" our parents. I can't think of a single conversation about adoption that didn't include the understanding that the parents absolutely must not hear anything upsetting. This is what you get when certain conversations are deemed off limits: you create the sense that children must guard their questions and their speech, because the grownups can't handle the truth. As the child gets older, he or she learns to self-regulate and it's been my experience that the discussions stop happening when they are no longer "needed" - that is, when the child has figured out enough about how to navigate the tough spots that he or she can make do solo. Are children in fact motivated by a desire to "protect" their parents, or are they afraid that their parent might stop loving them if they disobey the taboos and speak of the unspeakable? Who cares - either way, it's toxic.

It's toxic because it's all about denial. Adopted kids are taught from birth that certain issues are not to be discussed openly, and that they shouldn't even WANT to discuss these things. The underlying message here is that the parents' feelings matter but the kids' feelings DON'T. So take it with a grain of salt when some adopted person insists (often quite vehemently) that there ARE no "adoption issues". Yeah right. A substantial number of these people may very well end up just like a lot of other adoptees - who at some "turning point" moment in their life, or some "triggering" event, will suddenly turn into mush and start whining uncontrollably about every little thing that ever hurt and they said it didn't hurt because they didn't want the family to fall apart.

And is this book too "negative"? I don't think so AT ALL. I think it's a very positive book about something that "we" - as a culture - don't want to discuss. Adopted kids DO want to discuss it - and we do discuss it. We discuss it as little kids and then we avoid discussing it because it's socially unacceptable but then some of us discuss it again when we're in therapy, or after our parents die and there's no point in pretending any more, or when something happens.

I have absolutely no doubt that reading this book and discussing its contents with the kids will strengthen, not weaken, the parent-child bond.

I also disagree somewhat with the view that the book ought to include information on what to discuss when. I don't think parents need to be told (although if anyone were to give that sort of direction, I think it would need more study than it has received). I think it's enough to understand that while adopted kids can and do adapt to their parents' needs, it's quite simply better if we just don't ask them to. Parents can figure out what to do from there based on their own experiences and the child's particular needs and background.

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Great Guide

This ia an invaluable tool for adoptive parents written in an easy reading style. No fancy psychological terms - just brutally honest feelings of those children adopted into their families. Highly recommended.

Adoptive Parent to be!

I found this book to be very informative and a great book to add to my growing collection of adoption materials. I would highly recommend this book to other adoptive parents, and those considering adoption. Sherrie Eldridge gives a thorough overview of the many challenges we as adoptive parents may face with our children but offers solutions to these challenges. Thank you for putting out this great book Sherrie! I look forward to the next one!

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